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Friday, October 12, 2012

Finding my purpose - or not. This should make you all feel better.

The past few months, I have been feeling a little lost.  It seems to have become progressively worse since my last marathon in September.  During the last couple of years I have been so focused on training for marathons, that has sort of been my "thing".  I'm a stay-at-home mom who trains for marathons.

Now that the kids are all in school and I find myself with about 7 or 8 hours four days a week that I can more or less devote to whatever activities I choose, I am ridden with guilt and doubt.  I admittedly spend a good chunk of that time either out running, at the gym, blogging or reading about health and fitness or in the kitchen.  And for what purpose?  I'm not training for anything specific right now, and even if I was, what for?  I mean, why am I doing this?  Why do I workout to the point that I live in a perpetual state of soreness?  To be skinny?  'Cause I'm not, even after endless hours of exercise, and I don't think anyone really cares what I look like anyway, so why should I care so much?  Do I do it because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good about myself?  Yeah, I guess.  But I'm pretty sure that's where those feelings of guilt creep into my mind.  I'm doing something I enjoy with my 'spare' time and while receiving no extrinsic reward for my time and investment.  I don't make any money.  My fitness level doesn't contribute to our family's well-being, right?  So what am I doing?

The feedback I have been getting recently from my blog and Facebook posts has got me thinking.  A lot.  About who  I am and how I'm representing myself and my family.  Some people say I inspire them.  That's nice.  That (sometimes) makes me feel like it's worth putting myself out there.  If someone tries something they wouldn't normally have tried because they read my blog and thought, "If she can run marathons (or find time to workout/eat healthy/whatever), then I can - - - !"

Other people say I have too much time on my hands.  For some, the idea of working out to the tune of more than a couple of hours several days a week seems excessive.  For those people, I may be perceived as being selfish or vain, because why else would I do it?  I'm not a professional athlete, motivational speaker or public figure of some kind.  I'm not really anything.  I'm just a mom who works out.  A lot.

What should I do now?  How should I properly and effectively channel this passion of mine?  That's the question of the day.  Some have said I should get certified to teach fitness classes at the gym.  Sounds good, in theory.  The problem I have with this seemingly logical idea is that I lack the confidence and charisma that I feel it takes to be an effective fitness instructor.  The thought of being in front of 20+ people, all eyes on me, terrifies me to no end.  I don't think I could do it.  I prefer to be one of the sets of eyes on the instructor, in awe of their physical prowess.  I can't picture that role reversed.  Besides, the gym that we go to currently has a seemingly endless supply of well-qualified, motivational fitness instructors.

So I sit here, spilling my guts to all of you, my 4 or 5 faithful readers. ;)  I am in the middle of an identity crisis.  I am lacking purpose in my life.  My four children are becoming more and more independent.  Many moons ago I might have said my calling in life was to be a mother, but over the years I've found that I'm really not that good at it.  I try.  I care.  I love my children.  But I'm critical.  I'm a yeller.  I'm impatient and sometimes overly harsh with my words.  I don't read to them as much as I should.  I pray with them and for them, but not nearly often enough.  I'm not a spend-aholic, but I'm terrible at making and sticking to a budget.  I'm not a super-couponer or meal planner, I can't sew or make jam.  I can't get my kids to eat vegetables, no matter what tricks I try.

All the while, my husband works his tail off in his career as a state trooper, often working over-time and taking on extra projects and responsibilities, struggling to find time for his own fitness routine and other hobbies.  Sometimes I feel my existence is more of a hindrance to our family's success and happiness than a help.  It's not intentional, but maybe it's negligence?

I remember when I started training for my first marathon, a friend of mine who also didn't start running marathons until her 30's, told me that after I finished a marathon, I would feel empowered and it would overflow into the other aspects of my life, like I could conquer anything.  This same friend, also a mother of four, went on to go to nursing school.  Sadly, I have not experienced that same level of courage and strength, even after having completed 5 marathons in 2 years!  I'm not the same person I was a couple of years ago, obviously, but I'm still not who I thought I'd be.

So where does this leave me today?  Who knows.  I do feel a little bit better having vented some of my feelings through writing this post, but I'm still foggy about what goals I should be setting and where my focus should be in the future.  I know I'm the only one that can institute the change, which is also what makes this all so hard to swallow.  Choices.  Mistakes.  Life.

12 comments:

  1. I really appreciate your honesty in this post. It's SO hard to put things out there like this and I admire your courage. I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that I admire you for the person you are and how kind and earnest you are. I know you'll work things out and find your focus. :)

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    1. Good to hear from you, Elizabeth! I didn't even know you read this blog. :) Thanks!

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  2. I think the first thing you need to do is not worry about what anyone else says or thinks. (SOOOOOO much easier said, than done!!!) Do people really tell you that you have too much time on your hands? What a rude thing to say! It is no one's business what you choose to do with your life besides yours and your family's. So tell them to shut their mouths. :)

    I don't feel fulfilled by motherhood, either. I get so sick of it when people paint is as this all the time happy, blissful existence. I have NOT found that to be the case. (Hence the medication for me--when I first went on it, I was relieved to find that I actually did LOVE my children!) I don't know if you recently read my post about balance--but this is what I am always struggling with myself! Because I have all these roles in my life and it is hard to be successful at all of them. I do think that you need to "fill your own bucket" in order to be a good caregiver, but I also struggle with feelings of guilt if I leave my family too much in order to fill my own needs. I recently quit going to Crossfit because I feel like my family needs me at home in the mornings. (And I think all of us are critical, yelling, not able to get our kids to eat vegetables--we just do our best!)

    I don't know how to help either. I don't really know if you want advice anyway. :) (Most of the time when I vent I just want someone to listen, not tell me what to do.) I don't think you should feel like your existence is a hindrance to your family!!! I have seen how much you love your family and how much they need and love you. So don't even say stuff like that!!

    Just because a marathon (or five...) didn't empower you in the way you had hoped, doesn't mean something won't! I felt that way after doing my Olympic Tri. Like it just wasn't enough. Like I'm still searching for something that is missing. I don't know what it is.

    And finally--you are skinny. You have more focus and determination than anyone I know. You really are incredible. I wish you could see yourself from the outside, the way the rest of us see you!! You'll find your way. And when you do, let us all know what it is! You have a bunch of people who love and support you, even if it is from across the world wide web. :)

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    1. Thanks, Lindsay. I know you can relate to what I'm saying and I do find comfort in knowing I have allies out there. Thanks for your input, and any time you want to share some advice, I'm definitely open to hearing it! :)

      Yes, I do actually have people say some interesting things to me. Once recently a woman at the gym overheard me talking with a friend about what classes we would be taking that week. She inferred that I must not have a job because of my open schedule and said, "You have the luxury of not HAVING to work? Must be nice!" Then a few days ago I was talking with a guy in one of my fitness classes while we waited for it to start. I mentioned that I had already been to 2 spinning classes that morning and he said, "Well you must not work hard enough if you need to do 2 spin classes and also, you need a job!" Sheesh. Talk about making me feel like a loser.

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    2. I am shocked that people feel like they have a right to say that kind of stuff to you. Seriously?! What ever happened to MANNERS?! I wish I could think of a good comeback for you...I will work on it.

      p.s. We bought a travel trailer!!! We need to start planning a trip together!

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  3. Thanks for being honest and putting yourself out there! I personally thing you should take your love (working out) and do something more with it, and I think being a workout instructor or personal trainer is a great way to do that. You'd be amazing at it.

    For the record, I don't consider myself a good mom either. I'm a perfectionist and I guess I expect that out of them!

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    1. Thanks, Jan. I'm sure you're also harder on yourself than anyone else. Your kids think you're a good mom and your students probably think you're a great teacher!

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  4. Thank you for such an honest post and I completely agree that you should not worry about what others say, do what you want to do and become who you want to be. It may take you awhile to figure it out but you will and I have no doubt that you are a good mother and wife!

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  5. Life has seasons. The trick is discovering what season you are in. I had a quilting season - I am so over that! Introspection is good - it will help you find your season. If you are feeling guilty about time you spend for yourself, I would suggest adding a little service to your day. It doesn't have to be huge and the recipient doesn't even have to be aware that you did it. You will know and you will feel better about yourself! And consider this - taking care of your own health allows you to better serve your family.

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    1. I was thinking this same thing last night--serving others is one of the only things that really does feel fulfilling to me.

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    2. I was thinking the same thing last night. Serving others (NOT just your family, because let's be honest that is all you ever do for them!) is one of the only things that brings fulfillment into my life. Not exercising, or racing or spending time on myself.

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  6. Recently I read a book called the Happiness Project. The author said that one of the keys to happiness is to be yourself. So, be Priscilla!!! Do what you enjoy. If that includes several hours exercising a day, then do it!!! Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. You have made a lot of sacrifices to be a stay at home mom. That's where your husband and children need you most. I think it's very reassuring for children to know that their mom is there for them. I'm saying this as a working mother who feels guilty a lot too, but for not giving my kids enough of my time.

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